"every drop" she said
"releases a drop of pain," she said
and those words transformed my hollow little life
i loved not only the release
but the melodrama amused me
i'd do little hearts crossed out
cause i did it
cause i had no love
i kept my art a secret
but i've seen those who display theirs
these do it for attention
(and our society does not like those who want attention
we like those who know how to suffer!)
and then there were the nights...
i'd lie in bed shaking-still
i could not move
because i could not do it
those nights i knew i had no control
and i knew i could go too far
(and with my luck
i'd probably just sever tendons and such!)
then i stopped, for Shame
(and when people see my old work...
"Oh, its a long story"
and i have stayed stopped
cause i guess i have love now
(though sometimes my skin still itches
from the pain underneath
pushing to get out).
For those who have been here before, you can see that I've done quite a few changes to this page. For those of you who are visiting for the first time, welcome. I decided that my page was getting too full and so I broke it down into two parts, the new one, and the old one. I also added this new poem at the top. It was written by a friend of a friend you could say and both of them are former cutters. It seems like the more people I know who have shared some of the same experiences that I have, the easier it gets to stop. Especially when I find people who have done it, and overcome the urge to cut. I've been doing well with my little "addiction." It's been at least a month without cutting and I'm looking forward to starting a new year that way. Last night Mike and I got into a very bad fight but despite the horrible emotional pain I was in I didn't cut or even claw myself with my nails. The urge was there and very strong but I managed to fight it and not succumb to the desire to hurt myself. I'm hopeful that since I managed to get through that without cutting that I most likely can handle any problems I may encounter in the future. As always, I'll continue to take things one day at a time and rely on my faith in God for help.
If you're someone who cuts or know someone that does please fill out my survey or just visit The Wall of Healing.
This page last updated December 28, 1997